October 31, 2016

Google Calendar says that tomorrow is Election Day. According to Donald Trump (Alec Baldwin), November 35th is Election Day, not tomorrow. Election Day is the 8th of November. It is not the first Tuesday in November, it is the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November. Hey, Google, here's the code as written in layman's terms (via Excel) to decide if any day is Election Day: =IF(AND(Month=11,Day>1,Day<9,Weekday=3)=TRUE,"Election Day","")

​I hate Victoria's Secret (VSS), but I don't know where else to buy lingerie. I hate VSS because: one, it doesn't consistently offer its basic styles in basic colors; and, two, "free" ground shipping is a 10-day process. I also hate the United States Post Office (USPS). VSS and USPS work in collusion to make me WAIT for my purchases. To VSS I say, "Pick, pack and ship the orders within 48 hours of receiving them and use UPS ground. Charge a nominal $5 for the delivery. It is a want-it-need-it-have-to-have-it-now world, so get with the program."

To USPS, I say, "Privatize: you have a failed business model I'm tired of supporting with my tax dollars." If people live somewhere no one else lives then too bad: I don't want my tax dollars driving and flying their mail to them. Most first class mail can be delivered electronically, and if people don't have Internet access, then too bad: live within the grid or do without. UPS and FedEx figured out how to exploit the taxpayers' dollars by using USPS to deliver packages to their final rural destinations. I doubt USPS covers their costs in these relationships, just like I'm sure China Post didn't cut in USPS on the delivery I received from an Amazon purchase the other day. Today, specifically, I hate USPS because my VSS package has been out for delivery since 09:20 this morning and I haven't received it. No mail was delivered to this address today. The road was flooded (six inches per usual) in the pre-noon today, but the mail delivery has a wide daily delivery window. I drove the flooded road today in the Flying Couch to go to USPS to send Steve's iPhone chargers back to him. The Flying Couch and I didn't drown. The specific wording notwithstanding, let me remind USPS of this: "Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds." Fuck you, USPS. And, fuck you, VSS, too.

Yesterday I ate dinner before six. I don't remember the last time I ate dinner that early. Meredith, Tom, his husband Steve, and their Cockadoodle puppy Jake, spent Saturday afternoon and evening here. None of them seemed interested in having much for breakfast or brunch before they left at noon, so I was proportionately hungry by cocktail hour. I gave in, ate, watched two movies and went to bed by ten.

At five this morning I was Googling "sore throats" and local "doc-in-the-box" purveyors. I've had a sore throat since Wednesday, and it is neither better nor worse since it first presented itself. According to Google and me, I do not have strep throat or tonsillitis. I might have a cold without other symptoms, but that would be a new experience. I might be having an allergic reaction to something (I've had respiratory allergies, e.g. grass, trees, animal dander, etc. since I was a kid), but a sore throat has never been a symptom. In the wee, small hours of the morning, the sore throat is sleep-depriving; but, after I do my ablutions upon waking, it is almost imperceptible.

I mentioned my score throat to Jean yesterday. She brought up allergies and snoring as possible causes. I explained my allergy history then dismissed snoring as a cause because I've done it for years. I could tell that she didn't want to say how loudly I snore (having been my roommate in Patagonia), so I told her three anecdotes to relieve her of the burden: one, my father can sleep with his good ear down and still hear my snoring with his "deaf" ear; two, a woman with whom I traveled for work expressed her surprise that someone of my size (i.e. not a 300+ pound truck driver) could make so much noise; and, three, another woman with whom I traveled asked if she could go to sleep first because my snoring prevented hers. Yes, I snore like a mother fucker. Yes, I can replicate the horrible noise when I'm awake. Jean reverted to the allergy theory. I've stopped taking Flonase to see if it's preventing the other symptoms of a cold. Will I feel vindicated if I'm right, or just fucking horribly, miserably snotty? I’m probably just allergic to USPS.